Weekend humour

We are enjoying the weekend. For your amusement we offer this from the Washington Post. We were gong to highlight our favorites but really – we like them all!

Neologisms
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.
The winners are:
Coffee (n) the person upon whom one coughs.
Flabbergasted (adj)  appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Abdicate (v)  to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Esplanade (v) to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-nilly (adj)   impotent.
Negligent (adj) a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
Lymph (v) to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle (n) olive-flavored mouthwash.
Flatulence (n)  emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Balderdash (n)  a rapidly receding hairline.
Testicle (n)  a humorous question on an exam.
Rectitude (n)  the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
Pokemon (n)  Rastafarian proctologist.
Oyster (n)  person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
Frisbeetarianism (n) (back by popular demand):
The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
Circumvent (n) opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
The Washington Post’s Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year’s winners:

Bozone (n) The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
Foreploy (v)  Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Cashtration (n) The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent
for an indefinite period.
Giraffiti (n)  Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm (n) The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
Noculatte (v) To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis (n)  Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis (n)  A degenerate disease.
Karmageddon (n) Its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.
Decafalon (n) The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
Glibido (v)  All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect (n) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Arachnoleptic fit (n) The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
Beelzebug (n) Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Caterpallor (n) The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you’re eating.
And the pick of the literature:
Ignoranus (n)  A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.

You can find these all over but here is one source to the whole list.

Later:

Perhaps Wolfvillians could think of some additions. Here are our attempts.

Harm market (n)- A  business model designed to kill other businesses

Fairy Trade (n)- The fantasy that people will pay a lot more for ideological coffee  without finding out you are making money from it.

Faxation (n) – A fixation on taxation – like what Wolfville watch has!

Feel free to send in your efforts.

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One response to “Weekend humour

  1. Trouth – (n) A statement presented as fact but which smells very fishy.